Ever felt like you’re getting paid below your worth? Like, you’re putting in the work—showing up early, staying late, hitting deadlines—but when payday rolls around, it doesn’t quite feel right, all things considered. If you’re nodding along, let’s face it—you might be too nice. Yes, that’s right. Nice. Too accommodating, too agreeable, too “I’ll do that extra thing” without asking for anything in return.
Image Source: https://www.the-invisibleman.com/power/being-too-nice-at-work-does-not-work
Okay, got it. All this is wrong. Kindness is, on so many levels, a superpower, but when it comes to salary, you feel you are slowly chiselling away at the very foundation of your self-worth. Let’s try to shed some light on what is going on here and, most importantly, how you can still be nice while getting paid what you deserve.
Why Nice People Don’t Get Paid Enough
Let’s get down to the brass tacks. Friendly people are looked upon as less aggressive. And aggression in simple words translates directly to the workplace where it is all about getting ahead, negotiations for a raise and taking credit of somebody’s work. So basically, if you smile and accept what you are receiving when you know that you deserve more, then that’s a signature saying you are okay with what you are being paid, and why should they pay you any more when you are not asking?
But it’s not perception-only real research backs this up. In 2011, a University of Notre Dame study found that cooperative workers consistently earn significantly less than their less cooperative counterparts. For men this was a difference of about £5,300 a year, and for women a difference of £1,800. So why does the gap exist? It all boils down to one thing: people who ask get.
The ‘Good Employee’ Trap
Being nice at work tends to put a person into what I call the “good employee trap.” Everyone always runs to you. Need someone to pick up some extra work? There you are. Need someone to come in to cover a coworker at the last minute? No problem; you’ve got it covered. Works great for your team environment but disaster when discussing salary.
Why? You are not thought to be the achiever who deserves better. You are thought of as the giver and a giver. What happens when one gives too much with nothing in return? Then, you are taken for granted.
Too Nice to Ask for a Raise?
Alright, so here’s the thing. Most of you have been taught, consciously or unconsciously, not to rock the boat. A question for more money is something to be seen as a difficult, contentious act. What if they say no? What if they think I am ungrateful? What if I lose my job? Do any of these cross your minds?
Okay? I just don’t really feel comfortable soliciting a raise. It’s awkward like you’re affixing a price tag to the person. Newsflash: You should. You’re generating value, and value has a price tag attached. And if you don’t ask, you’re undervaluing yourself before anyone else gets a chance to.
Case Studies: When Being Nice Goes Wrong
Let’s take a real-life example. Here is Sarah, a marketing manager at a mid-sized company (she was my subordinate for four long years before she decided to move on). Sarah was always the nice one in the office—she undertook extra projects, helped people with their work, and never complained. But when it was time for her yearly review, she found herself getting 20% less pay than the males doing the same job. Why?
Sarah had never negotiated a salary when she started working in her new set-up. She had actually been told she was “lucky” even to get a job and did not want to seem greedy, asking for more (though I could never figure this out as she was quite a bright one). So she just took whatever raise was offered, never pushing back or researching market rates over the years. That gap widened over time until she was severely underpaid.
The Inner Conflict: Niceness vs. Aggression
This is where it got complicated. A sweet soul, who dislikes anything that passes near negotiation you probably just dislike the idea of this to be done. You would not want to sound nagging or ungrateful. Here is where you have to shift your mindset. Being assertive does not make you less friendly. You can ask for what you deserve while still being that kind and compassionate soul you have always been.
The majority is not an either/or situation. In fact, being assertive is being kind—to yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup, right? So when you consistently devalue yourself, more than likely, you’re going to burn out quicker, become bitter, and eventually feel unvalued. That’s not good for you, nor is it good for the company either.
Changing the Attitude: How to Ask for What You Deserve
Now that we understand that being overly nice can affect your pay, what do you do about it? Well, here’s the good news: you don’t have to change who you are. You just have to learn how to balance your kindness with assertiveness.
- Know Your Worth: First, know your market value. There are a number of websites that give the average salary of your role in your region. Try to check out Glassdoor, Payscale, and LinkedIn Salary Insights. With this information, you can go ahead to ask for that raise from your boss because you’ll understand what it is you should be taking home.
- Start becoming assertive: Assertiveness is a muscle; you must go out and “work it out” regularly to make it stronger. Start small. The next time you feel uncomfortable speaking up in a meeting or think twice about sharing your opinion, do it anyway. The more you practice, the more natural it will feel.
- Learn the Art of Negotiation: Negotiating is perhaps the most important skill you can build in your career. Don’t wait to use the scheduled session with your boss on the annual review as a time to discuss money: schedule yet another meeting for when salary shall be discussed. Armed with your research, back up your request and figure out the work accomplished. Above all, never forget that silence is indeed your friend. Once you make your case, shut up. Let them think. Don’t take up the air with an apology about yourself.
- Stand your ground (but be polite about it): Scenario: Your boss throws down a lowball counteroffer, but no insults. Tuck that under the bridge and save contention? No. There’s room for graciousness; just repeat it, politely, firmly. Give them some reason why you deserve the bigger number. Words like, “I know budgets are really tight, but I have done the research, and I know the value that I bring into the company, and I feel this number reflects my contribution.”.
- Know When to Quit: If you have negotiated and could not get compensated on your own, then perhaps it’s time to leave. Sometimes, it’s only when finding a company that values you more that you’ll know how to start earning the salary that you deserve.
An appropriate intervention, however, seems to be way-laid by the desperate stress of survival in the crunch of a catastrophic crisis. As a recent Joblist survey says, 30% of those job changers during the pandemic saw at least a 10% pay rise. So, do not hesitate to leave it for good if you think the organization is exploiting you due to your niceness.
Being Nice to Yourself: A New Kind of Niceness
The end comes at many times, so being nice doesn’t mean you’re weak; it means you’re a strength. But if you are too nice to yourself, then you will find advocacy for fair pay equal worth to being a team player. The great news is that you can be both. You can still be that amazing do-gooder support person everybody loves at work and stand firm on your worth as well.
Well, actually, it is the ‘worth’ factor which makes you even nicer. Not carrying along frustrations or resentments makes one feel more energized and appreciated; that just channels into every aspect of your job. Be nice, go ahead. Just do not be nice at the cost of your wages.
In Passing: If you nod your head while reading this, it is time to change. You deserve the worth you have worked so hard for, and yes, you can be nice even while receiving that raise. Start practicing now: speak up, stand firm, and let the pay show what you are worth. You got this. Right?
